I Scream at Ice Cream

It’s summer: the weather is scintillating (for a change); so what could be better than ice cream?

I bought some wasabi ice cream today
On the spur
Saw it sitting there
Behind the freezer door
Green and beckoning
Looking on the label
Like pistachio
My all time Goddamn favourite
So it seemed perfectly reasonable
That pistachio with a hint of
Would be what I’d get
But no . . .
More like mild Horseradish
Or Colman’s mustard
Just colder
With more consistency
And not white or yellow
Instead green like pistachio
Which, yes, I know, so is wasabi
But anyway
What were they thinking:
Rice pudding and raspberry dessert sushi?
(dessushi ™)
It’s f-ing gross
A terrible idea
Makes me want to cry
Out like Tom Jones
I thought I knew the ways of the ice-cream maker
So tasty and sweet so never too far from my mind
But, oh, what a wrong-un
Making this flavour is really so very unkind
Why-why-why, wasabi
If you want the rest
Minus the scoops I’ve already had
The misfortune to digest
It’s here
Yours for free
Though no delivery
You’ll have to collect

Possible practical uses for wasabi ice cream:

1) Asking someone if they’d like some pistachio ice cream then watching the hilarity that unfolds when unbeknown to them you serve wasabi instead.

2) Buy it and the ice cream you really want, then go on to everyone else in the house about, Mmmmm . . . how much you love that wasabi ice cream, always be like how you gotta get yourself another scoop of sweet, sweet wasabi, etc, thus ensuring everyone else tries to eat the pretend favourite while leaving the actual favourite to be savoured at leisure; this will work for reasons explained below.

3) Actually ideal for anyone who loves ice cream but equally has no self control and eats any tub entering the house immediately and entirely, for there is something—much like using clove cigarettes to give up tobacco—immediately full of ice cream satisfaction about it before the wildly-out-of-place tang of wasabi kicks in. One won’t want to put much in the bowl in the first place (less than half a scoop), but will eat all that’s there without wanting more.

In this respect, it becomes almost perfect and hardly the disaster I have painted it as; of course, if you do have self control avoid at all costs. 

More N. P. Ryan vs. Food:

Thanks for reading 🙂

N. P. Ryan

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Header imager courtesy Alisha Mishra

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