Geezers and Goldfish Bowls

In the early 90s I worked London’s markets; the following is an account of true events (continued from: Songs T Taught Me and the Mystery of Charlie Chaplin):

Spaces always look smaller when empty; something in this case helped big time by the stage being hidden behind a curtain. The area once full of merry drinkers now occupied by a solitary pool table, five ‘chaps‘ drinking and smoking round it.

It’d become one of those pubs where unless you knew someone already there, everyone there would assume you undercover plod worthy of a good stabbingup. The fact one of us was a loud Aussie doing nothing to allay suspicions; on the contrary, what better way for a rozzer to hide than appearing to be from a different country.


Last thing to do: turn tail and leave.


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Songs T Taught Me and the Mystery of Charlie Chaplin

In the early 90s I worked London’s markets; the following is an account of true events (continued from: Horses for Courses):

In Croydon my attempts to give socks away were met with outright resistance:

‘He don’t like the ones with elastic at the top’

‘Too thick; will make his feet sweat’

Replying, ‘how about for another much loved and cared for family member, such as a cherished grandchild?’ did nothing to entice the taking of free socks.

There was nothing for it but the songs T had taught me:

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Horses for Courses

In the early 90s I worked London’s markets; the following is an account of true events:

“What you reckon?”

T looked at me across the table of the ‘workingmen’s café’ he’d chosen to meet in for ‘a bit of breakfast’.

He’d been running up and down Oxford Street selling out of a suitcase; just he hadn’t been running fast enough. A three person operation (seller/fake excited buyer/lookout), T had decided he had enough winning charm not to need the second—granted, I’d give him that—and enough cunning and sly to outwit plod: wrong; numerous times too.

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Welcome to Weston: A Hitchhiker’s Guide to Quicksand and Curses

UKWestonMapI visited Weston-super-Mare for the first time in the mid Nineties. It was a long bank holiday weekend. I’d gone with a friend who had family there. He’d lived there for a while when young.

The friend had two reasons for asking me: I had wheels to get there; having someone to go drinking with beat sitting round with his mum and stepdad for four days.

It worked. We were meant to stay with them four nights. Though, such were the attractions of Weston it only ended up being one. Maybe two, memory’s a little hazy. There was definitely a making a point of going back specifically for a roast dinner, grabbing a shower then shooting off down the pub again; my memory might be counting that as a night.

If you like pubs, by which I mean the traditional old British style pub, full and buzzing most nights of the week with joviality, singing and dance, then Weston was at that time like Disneyland.

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What a Waste (Tickets, Please)

“I could be a writer with a growing reputation; I could be the ticket man at Fulham Broadway Station. What a waste . . . What a waste.”

I used to walk past that ticket man made famous by Ian Dury’s lyrics on regular occasion. Going to and from Chelsea matches at Stamford Bridge. It was always a man, as I remember. Not that I paid too much attention.

Except for one particular game against  Continue reading