Just over a year ago in August, 2022, a lecturer I follow on Twitter posted not only about it being her birthday, but also that she’d already received dick pics from two unknown senders to celebrate the fact.

What really took me by surprise was when she went on to make light of it, even going so far as to say one of them really had no business doing it given their size.

It got me thinking. Surely sending a dick pic is equal to exposure and so a sexual offence; or does it somehow not count unless in the flesh. From there, could a pic be considered equivalent to a flasher in the park given the pic might be seen in the alleged greater safety of one’s own home, maybe even bed?

I wrote a post which, amongst other things, questioned the general approach to this sort of thing in popular culture, such as how any ominous, distressing or traumatic aspect of being on the receiving end is often dismissed in the name of comedy, using in the post a clip from The Benny Hill Show to demonstrate.

Do women laugh it off as they genuinely think it’s pathetic; or because that’s the better option over getting angry about something the patriarchy fails to take seriously?

The post included a poem where I tried to imagine the scenario not from the academic’s position of being single, but from that of woman in a relationship with the average sort of jealous bloke.

It was a serious endeavour, but once starting the poem found it determined to stick to a light-hearted lilt even if its essence was representative of what I thought a genuine portrayal; though it was when choosing a header image not simply of Michelangelo’s David but precisely the groin area that things really went astray.

I didn’t for a single second think anyone could be offended by a famous marble nether region from respected antiquity; but then, in 2023, there was not only the Tallahassee school incident that saw a principal fired after an image of David was shown to a class, but also one in Glasgow when an Italian restaurant used the image on public transport ads, only for complaints to lead to a withdrawal and reworking of the ad so it no longer included the area of offence.

What I might think of these complaints is irrelevant to the fact that when deciding to drop said image into the inbox of every subscriber and numerous poetry-related groups on various social media platforms, I did so not with an attitude of fuck anyone who doesn’t like it, but instead fully convinced no one could possibly be offended and would either be indifferent or take it as the cheeky jest intended. It is in this respect an apology is owed: sorry; and as part of that package the potentially offending marble member has been replaced with a far more appropriate aubergine of said apology or, if you will, eggplant of repentance.

I also had a crack at reworking the poem to a more serious prose, but unfortunately didn’t get further than a few tweaks, deciding it was actually pretty good just the way it was. With thanks to SHVETS production for use of the header image of an aubergine on an eggplant coloured background (licensing)

This is a story about a wife
Who suffered a great deal of strife
When finding
Unsolicited dick pics in her inbox
And I don’t mean of Richards Burton or Pryor
She let out a gasp being horribly aghast
One she hadn’t meant
Her husband to hear of
He demanded to know
What had caused the breath so
And wouldn’t shut up till she told him
On and on and on he went
Like a landlord not paid the rent
Until spilling the beans
Was her only option
The husband did claim
That the finger of blame
Point at her profile picture
The one with a low cut top in
He’d said it before and therefore again
That cleavage on show so brazen and bold
Could only appear as things being sold
In the windows of Harrods at Christmas
But instead of take delight
At being proved right
Potential hit him like a wet fish
Kerplish!!!
He realised that it could mean
His wife might possibly have seen
A piece of anatomy
BIGGER
Oh, the horror . . .
The horror of it all
She might be perfidiously moved
To sleazy rendezvous
With this massive cock sender
So he demanded to know
Just how swinging and low
Did King Schlong go
Never mind possibly stretch to
Was it so great as the Empire State
Or more just the hotdog stand
Below it
The wife sighed
Innocent bosoms gently heaving
Like two hot air balloons in a really slow-mo
Midair collision
No
She replied as the mountain tip
Of the giant great lie about to unfold
Beneath it
As the pics she’d seen without being obscene
Were of a fucking monster
Not that I’d know, she went on
Having hardly seen any
And then
Only for educational purposes
But by that mere compare alone
Yours is a bloody great whopper
Length, girth, the lot
Most pendulous Moby of the pod
A truly tremendous timber
Towering above the rest of the wood
The vessel needing most tugs
To bring it in to dock
The penis mightier than the sword
Her husband smiled
Thought phew
That’s alright then
While saying
Be sure to give Lord of
The Little Dicks a block!

• original post: Dicking It to the Man
• artnet: A Florida School Focused on Classical Western Civilization Fired a Principal Over a Lesson Showing Michelangelo’s ‘David’
• artnet: Michelangelo’s ‘David’ Is Embroiled in Yet Another Censorship Controversy—This Time For a Pizza Ad in Scotland

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